Choosing a wise rebuke over empty flattery

BibleGateway.com - Passage Lookup: Proverbs 28;: "23 He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor
than he who has a flattering tongue."

This verse stuck out to me today, because I tend to "sugar-coat" things when I have a confrontation to make. For a lot of reasons that I'm sure will be discussed later in this blog, I am very conflict avoidant. I seek harmony and avoid confrontation. This trait can be a blessing and a curse. It helps me be relationship-focused and bring people together, but it also can be very limiting.

To emphasize this point, the following are all direct quotes I've had directed toward me:

"You could tell me my grandmother had just died and I'd leave the conversation with a smile on my face"

"You are always on such an even keel"

"If you don't allow yourself to experience negative emotion, you'll never truly experience the positive. If you raise the floor above the lows, you also lower the ceiling and never experience the highs. Being on an even keel isn't always a good thing"

So, given my propensity for avoiding confrontation, which I tend to identify as "negative interaction," what are the keys for effectively following this proverb and rebuking when appropriate?

1) Check your motivation at the beginning. What is your end-game? What is your reason for the "rebuke" or confrontation? Is it simply to satisfy your anger, or is it for the benefit of the person you are confronting? Is it to hurt because you've been hurt, or is there a bigger picture outcome. If your heart is not in the right place, it may be best to wait.

2) Choose the right time, place and method for a rebuke or confrontation. Avoid doing it in a way that could be misinterpreted. Choose to wait if you are highly emotionally charged and waiting is possible. Don't rebuke in public.

3) Be willing to accept temporary discord when a rebuke is necessary. Follow up with the person later to focus on the relationship.

4) If you followed step 1, you don't need to apologize.